What do YOU want?

Made you think didn't I, a question that is so simple and straight forward, yet for me and maybe you too one of the toughest things to answer. What do I want? well I know in the chapter of life I am in right now I want to get better; I know I need to get better. I know that the things that are coming after I do are so amazing and beautiful, and I cannot wait to experience them. So, you might say, well you just answered that "tough" question well saying things and actually making the decision are 2 completely different things. For me I have always been a people pleaser, something that can either be good or harmful to yourself, for me it was harmful. I find happiness in other people's happiness, which can be good if you are able to balance it with genuine happiness and feeling good for you too. Me I did not I relied on everything other people were saying, I never made decisions or put my opinion in on things because 1 I was afraid it wasn't good enough and 2 I didn't want to see anyone upset I wanted to see them happy and if that meant I had to sacrifice my own happiness and joy for it I was willing to suck it up and do what they wanted. I have always been like this; I remember sitting at elementary conferences with my mom and all my teachers would tell her that I am a people pleaser, back then it wasn't so hard because I was a kid and didn't have a care in the world, I was free, happy, innocent. However, as I got older, and I saw how the world and society really was, I started to get insecure, I wanted to fit in, I wanted people to like me. Society makes growing up so hard, we lose sight of who we truly are on the inside to become someone we are not on the outside, we try so hard to fit in and be excepted and to be wanted but for what? is it worth it? worth the constant feeling bad about ourselves when we look in the mirror, the constant comparing what we have or who we are to others? No absolutely not it's not worth it, none of it is. This was most prevalent for me in middle school the wanting to feel accepted, and man it was tough, middle school was a tough time, not because I had anxiety or anything like that but because I wanted to fit in so badly, I think back and wonder were the $60 shirts really worth it, all the drama just so I can have a large friend group? the feeling bad about myself because I was worried that people weren't going to like me if I wore this outfit, or choose this instead of that? It was a time I tried hard for everyone except me. Fastforward to high school thing were changing and most of the pity drama was left behind in middle school (thank the lord) because I couldn't put up with that anymore, my friend group went from 10 to 3 then up to 4 and I was happy and content with where I was, until I hated how I looked and decided to lose weight. This was sophomore year around Christmas time when it really started, I was done feeling bad about myself and wanted to change for the better. Don't get me wrong there is nothing bad about wanting to lose weight, but it should be for the right reasons, mine was at first but then it became obsessive. I won't get too much into detail about that (you can check my other posts out for more information!) During this time, I really lost sight of who I was, I relied on my parents, friends, peers anybody's but myself. I truly lost myself, my voice, my spirit, and my happiness it was a really dark time for me. During this time the ego inside of me took over, it loved seeing me in this deep place it knew it had control and that was what it wanted. It made decisions for me that weren't mine. The ego in you is the part of you that wants to destroy you, it follows societal rules, and does everything to gain control. The true you is your spirit, the part that is YOU, it wants you to be happy and makes the right decisions for you, it just wants you to be you. I can tell you that I've never felt more lifeless and depressed ever then during this period of time in my life. Trust me when I tell you once you start living for you and doing what you want the world around you will change, you will feel an abundance of happiness/peace/comfort come over you something that you've never felt before. When you realize that this life you are living in is YOURs and no one else's, it's a magical thing. Think about it we have this one life, and we are wasting time doing things that makes us feel like shit, worthless, and sad for what? This is our life, our time to do what we want. Now I'm not saying blow everyone off and don't do things for other people, what I'm saying is you have a voice, you are able to make decisions that make you feel good too. You know that feeling that you have in your gut? yep that's you, that's your inner spirit telling you what is good for you and what isn't trust it. Know that whatever decisions/or paths you decide to take it's what's meant to be. I am a firm believer that no matter what there is always another way, you have the capability to decide what you want and if you truly want something guess what its already yours. You have to believe and know that you can and will achieve whatever you want out of life. Thinking about traveling, but everyone around you is telling you how stupid it is? well guess what they aren't you! if that is going to make you happy do it! trust that the journey is going to lead you to beautiful things! Don't let other people's opinions stray you from becoming who you really want to be/are because they are not you. Everyone is different so stop comparing, stop living for society and "the norm" and become who you are meant to be. I know that if you try hard enough for the things you want, consider them already yours. Here's a prime example; (this is current by the way) I am struggling tremulously in college; I know what I need to do to get better, and what I want, that being a dog. You may think it's crazy, but I decided that getting a PSD (psychiatric service dog) is the best thing for me especially since the next 3 years I will be here, and not at home. I want one so bad and guess what I am going to get one, I am chasing after the things I want/feel are going to make me the best version of myself. I made the decision before I even told my parents (something I would've never done before because I relied on their opinions and validation), but I knew this is what I needed. I put a deposit down and now am doing everything in my power to make this happen. Do I have the money for it right now no but come summertime when I will be getting the puppy will I yes! I made a promise to myself that I would be able to pay for the puppy and be able to provide and take care of it myself without my parent's money. So, you know what I am doing, well this I am writing my blog, creating content on social media which is something I have always wanted to do but was afraid of what other might say or think but I can't, I can't worry about what others say because what does their opinion mean to me? nothing this is what I want and what makes me happy so I am going to do it. I am also interviewing for a job at college, I have no doubt in my mind that I will have enough money when times come to be able to care for my puppy. You see I went from something people would think I was crazy for, to finding every way to accomplish my goals and desires. I know you have the same capability you just may need to dig behind that ego and find you inner self! it will be hard because your ego has been making the decisions for you and has most of the control now but soon enough you will know what it feels like to live for YOU. My suggestions are to start this journey, is write down what you want but instead of saying "I want this" write it as it's already yours "I have this" you need to switch your thought process, and although you may not feel things right away sooner than later you will. You will feel the overwhelming feeling of happiness, peace, comfort, strength take over. You won't feel the need to hide yourself but express this is who you are, and no one is going to change you. Take that leap, it's worth every risk, mistake and challenge, because that's just what they are, risks, mistakes and challenges in the end each will teach you a valuable lesson that you will look back on and learn from. It will make you wiser, smarter and stronger. May everything that you want in life come to you with love and joy! I believe in you, best wishes

-Jaida <3