That's so college.

In this post, I will share with you what my first month of college looked like, felt like, and the stigma around it being "the best 4 years of your life"

Go to a four year college, that's the only place you will get a good education.

These are the best four years of your life.

You will meet your bridesmaids and life long friends here.

Party Thursday through Saturday.

"I'm never going home"

your roommate is your best friend.

All of theses standards and stigmas around college need to stop, in reality this is your life! as you (and I) are maturing and growing now on our own we need to realize and do what is best for yourselves and what will make us the happiest, we are grown adults who no longer need to put up with petty middle school and high school drama!

If you are in the same boat as I am (which is sick of these societal pressures) then stick around and keep reading how I am learning to push back on these standards.

"Comparison isn't only a thief of joy, it is also the thief of dreams"

-unknown

I love this quote above, I thought it really spoke to me because I, and maybe you too struggle with comparison so much. Comparing how I look to other people, comparing what I'm wearing, doing, eating, even comparing how my life and anxiety has taken so much joy from me, to compare with other peoples lives and how they are so care free. Comparison is the #1 destroyer of all self love and confidence. It robs us of all reality, think about it you are picking yourself apart piece by piece, wishing you had something others did. After a while you lose all confidence, you shelter yourself because you think you aren't good enough, deserve what other people have and are not cable of being loved. I am here to change that because you are deserving you are beautiful, you may not feel it right now but that's because you forced yourself not to feel it, you picked out every inch of confidence so you don't have to face it. You can and will get out of this hole I believe in you and so do many other people. Stop comparing yourself because we are all so, so unique in our own ways, it doesn't matter what's on the outside (even though you are just as beautiful on the outside as the in) its what's on the inside that matters, it always has and always will.

Section 1: My experience thus far

You may be thinking, "Jaida you've been there for a month" and yes you are right I have been, but a lot can change in a month! this is my first real experience living somewhere outside of my house with out my parents. So yes it was a huge change which means huge adjustments. I moved to the University of Minnesota Twin cities during the last week of August. A little backstory during the summer my Mental health took a turn for the worst, I had a job and was working just about everyday (it wasn't a hard job) but my anxiety it made it hell. I found anything and everything to be anxious about, to the point where I didn't even know what I was anxious about anymore I was just in a constant state of panic/anxiety. In result I didn't hang out with any of my friends I was so exhausted mentally and physically that hanging with my friends caused extra anxiety that I couldn't handle. Fast forward to August when things started to kick in, I was back in old habits I knew needed to change or I was not going to survive college. I wanted it so bad that I decided enough is enough. It is time for me to get my life back, it has been trapped/controlled by my mind far to long. I stopped counting calories, measuring or caring what I ate, and to my surprise it was so easy, (previous times it was one of the hardest things to do) but I had a new sense of determination over me. I had gotten a new therapist, and tried to hangout with my friends as much as I could before we all left each other, I was doing amazing with my food and so proud of myself. August went by quicker than I wanted, day by day it kept getting closer and closer to move it and the only fear I had was isolation. I was afraid that I was going to want to stay in my dorm and not be social at all (back story I was supposed to have a roommate but they split us up and I ended up in a single) at first I was happy, everything inside of me was ecstatic because this is what I want. "I love to be alone" right? (no) my mind love when I'm alone. I have always thought "why can't I be alone forever" I like being by myself. To that is say BS because every time I have tired to isolated myself I fall into the worst mental state ever, I sit alone in my thoughts and sulk, I feel bad about myself but can't do anything about it. My mind loves to make me think being alone is the best thing for me in reality its the farthest thing from it. Fast forward to move in day, I had no feelings I wasn't letting myself think of if because I was afraid of what other thoughts might come in with it, so I didn't think at all. The ride there, moving in, even when my parents left it didn't feel real. I felt like I was going away for a week at summer camp or something like that. I met my supposed to be roommate (Maddie) that day, internally I still didn't have a lot of feelings, I knew we were going to be social for the first week and I was 100% dreading that because I had just went from not seeing anyone the whole summer to being surrounded by people 24/7. I think that was the reason the 2nd week went so well, I pushed myself into the "deep end" so to say and saw physically that I was fine. By the 2nd week all I wanted to do was hangout with people. It was the best feeling in the world. I had planned to stay home that 2nd weekend because I had a dr. appt the following, but due to a family emergency I went home. I was so proud of myself, I was eating candy, eating at the dining hall (one of my biggest fears other people cooking food for me) cookies, I had some fries you name it I felt like a different person. When I got home I did the one thing I shouldn't have I stepped on the scale (I wanted to see the number go up and be excited) and to my surprised I had lost weight. This triggered something in me and just like that my mind was focused on food 24/7 even though I want to gain weight more then ever I allowed all the thoughts I had about food before come in with it. I was so upset and frustrated with myself that eating just became so much harder. That's where it all went down hill, funny thing is even though I want to gain weight, my mind still cares about food so much. My ED habits are formed from outside anxiety, I have control over my food and when other things are going bad I go to things I can control and have comfort in, which sucks because my body brings so many more extra anxieties because its my physical health. I started to feel more lonely and lonely as the 3rd week came my roommate is a 10min walk from me and our classes clash so much I had no time to spend with her during the week, I don't have any other friends either yet so it was me in my dorm all day everyday. I was going insane sitting in my thoughts, I was having panic attacks every single day. I am not able to sleep I get maybe 5hrs a night I'm scared to go to bed and sit in my own thoughts. It was one of the toughest weeks of my life, I had no one close to me to support me in person. I had no one in my dorm with me to talk to, just my thoughts. I can't even tell you what I was having anxiety about it was just a constant panic all day long, I could feel it sitting in my chest. My mom has came 2 Thursday nights and spent the night with me because I was afraid of myself, afraid of my capabilities. I have talked with my parents, and we are all in agreement that if I don't gain any weight I have to go online. I want to gain weight so bad, the hardest thing is having to deal with so much other anxiety besides food. I just give into food though so my body doesn't go through more stress. It is not an easy decisions to hear, or make and neither my parents or I want to do it. They want to see me better and I want to be better.

Section 2: The results

Sorry, I left you all on a cliffhanger.. I sat down this weekend (Oct 1) and thought long and hard about what is best for me. I know what I need and that is to gain weight, if I were at a healthy weight I would be able to control my other anxieties, my brain function would be better, my focus, strength everything would be. I have to decide what is best for me, I can't worry about other people, I need to worry about me. Do I want to go home, no not at all this is supposed to be a new chapter for me, a new life new beginning and I am letting my anxiety take it from me. However, I know how much more I could flourish If I gained weight and fixed me right now. We are still deciding and have a plan on what to do so nothing is official yet but I trust myself that I am going to make the right decision for me. Today Oct 2nd I felt a new determination, I will get better and I am going to right now, not tomorrow, not next week right now. I realized I had lost myself again, lost my voice I was so busy worrying about what other people were going to think that I was justifying my own actions. I am here to tell you that you do not need to justify yourself to someone and if you think you do then maybe that person shouldn't be in your life. Surround yourself with people who care about you, want the best for you but will also push you to be the best! feed off of each others energy. The right person will walk into your life I know it, be patient I know its hard believe me. Being at college has been extremely hard, I watched groups of girls walking around wishing that was me. What I don't understand is why its a thing that we drop our high school friends when we get to college. I was so fed up over that "making a new life for me" don't get me wrong I love meeting new people but I love my people too. The people I grew up with, the ones that know me best, check up on me, they will forever be in my life! I decided that I am not going to care what people have to say about any decision that I make because as long as I am happy what else matters? I've sat way to long, way to many times sitting and worrying about what people are going to say or think if I do this or say that. Who cares I am almost 19 I don't have time for this in my life, I needed to be doing me, and what makes me happy! It's not selfish to do what makes you happy because happiness comes in a variety of different ways. One thing that makes me extremely happy is acts of kindness doing things for people, seeing other people happy to. I love checking in on people, doing favors that makes me happy. Working for myself and for me is my main focus right now, it should always be that, because if I want to help other people I need to be 100% first you can't build a bridge with a broken hammer! I encourage all of you to talk to yourself nicely, make decisions that make you feel happy and good about yourself, worry less about other peoples opinions it all doesn't matter. You are here to create a life for you, start it today, right now it doesn't have to be a planned thing, just "let life be" I can tell you once you do, you will never feel more stronger! I know you have the capability everyone does, we need to push aside our egos that want to live for others and society. So many things that we worry about that really don't matter, these stigmas are destroying our confidence, our love, our kindness. We worry so much about fitting in and doing what everyone else is, we all become one, we throw away our amazing qualities that make us all unique and try to be people we aren't. It is more then okay to be different, be you, be the person you want to be, find your true self tucked away behind society. Life is hard, but it always will be so instead of running and hiding from it, find ways to make it through, there is always a way through.

With love -Jaida