-Struggling with Anxiety-

Senior picture, I cried before this not wanting to have a memory of how little or thin I was during this time in my life.

^ a comment, please check on your friends/family/loved ones they may seem like they are happy or doing well in photos like I am in this one. On the inside they are crying for help but have no idea how, be there for each other! the world needs you, imagine what you are going to do and bring into this world!

“Worrying does not take away tomorrow's troubles, it takes away todays peace"

-Randy Armstrong

One thing to note is, we all have anxiety everyone does. Some people just know how to handle it better than others, that does not make you a failure or unstable, weak or unworthy. If we all were able to handle our anxiety that would mean that we never did anything to challenge us, which would mean we never learned from mistakes, or did anything we are proud of! challenges are not a bad thing, challenges push us to our limits where we can learn more about ourselves and our talents! So do not feel bad if you struggle with anxiety because it means that you are doing great things.

7th grade

I have always struggled with anxiety I remember when I was in elementary school being deathly afraid of storms, I had no idea what it was, I just thought I was afraid. The term anxiety was introduced to me when I was in 7th grade. I had no idea what it was or what it meant, I was lost, clueless, confused at all the emotions I was feeling. I had this horrible fear of throwing up or being sick. I would complain that my stomach hurt every single day, I would cry having to go to school. I would either convince my parents that I needed to stay home or go all the way school freak out when I walked in the doors, go straight to the office and call home (the office ladies got to know me very well) My parents were so frustrated at the amount of school I was missing, and I was upset at myself because as soon as I would get home I suddenly started to feel better. Everywhere I went I always knew where the exit was in case, I needed to throw up. I hated band class and concerts I cried before every one of them because being on stage and not being able to escape I felt trapped. I wouldn't spend the night at anyone's house they either came to mine or I didn't go. I didn't travel with anyone over the summer because I needed my mom or dad with me in case, I were to get sick. My parents were my security blanket. We weren't allowed to have our phones in school but the thought of that made me so anxious and sick that I would text my mom up to 100 times a day just freaking out. My parents finally decided that therapy was a good option (I had never been before, so I was very nervous) I went with my mom because I couldn't go anywhere without my mom being there with me. Not only did I learn about anxiety but so did my parents. They had never delt with anything like this before (I'm the problem child, always has to be one) they had no idea why I would complain that my stomach hurt every day because they took me to the doctors, and I was fine. We learned that even though I was not actually sick the anxiety and feeling was very real to me. I do not blame my parents when they would get frustrated at me because they had no idea, neither did I. Once they learned more about anxiety and how to deal with it, I felt so much more comfortable sharing what I was going through because now I finally understood myself. I eventually learned how to sit in the moment and feel the fear and going into 8th grade I learned how to deal with my anxiety, and it was not a problem anymore, well until sophomore year.... but I'll get into that next.

Anxiety vs Eating Disorder

So, we all know that I struggle with an eating disorder (please read my other posts for more info!) and in the beginning a lot of shame came with it, I isolated myself, hid from reality and denied the issues that were right Infront of me. I didn't talk to my parents or friends and ignored them when they would bring up how skinny I was looking or expressed concerns about me. I had always thought I loved food too much to have an eating disorder, I was ashamed by the label. Whenever I talk about it to other people, I never use the term eating disorder, I hate the label it puts on me. With that label I feel weak, useless, damaged and fragile, the only problem with that is I used it to run away from the truth and the acceptance that I do struggle with an eating disorder. Today I accept what I have and am open to talking about my struggle, because it is a part of my story (not me, but my journey) I still don't like using the word eating disorder because I am so much more than that, and so are you! Somethings that I really struggle with is now that I am going through this battle, I am seen to other people as being weaker, when it comes to lifting heavier boxes, people always do it for me or think I can't. When it comes to eating foods, I choose to eat a healthier lifestyle not because my eating disorder but because I am getting back to normal, so I am finding balance in everything I am eating. I am learning about Nutrition and what people don't realize is that because I am eating a salad for lunch doesn't mean that I am restricting or eating less, I am eating the salad because that's what my body craves, and it's all about listening to your body. If my body wanted crackers, or ice cream then that's what I am going to have. (I will get more into this on my Holisitc health post) Anyways I struggle a lot with this, and I get frustrated at friends and family, but I have to remember that they are doing it out of the kindness of their hearts and care about me, they don't want me to fall back, they want me to move forward. So, I learn to breathe and move on, because I know who I am and that's all that matters! Now that I am in recovery and fueling my body the eating disorder part usually comes out when I am struggling with anxiety in another part of my life. For example, if I am stressed about going somewhere or an exam, I would not even be thinking about food, then all the sudden because I cannot control what is going on with the exam or place my mind goes right to food and tries to plan meals, or count calories, etc. It's a comfort for me and finding that peace in the midst of the other chaos is calming to me. Most of the time I'm not even worried about what I'm eating or when I am going to eat unless I am anxious about something else then I start to think of those things. It's a coping mechanism, and I am learning to find other tools to cope besides food. One thing that really helps me when it comes to food is telling myself that no food is worse than not eating at all. I also struggle a lot with finding balance between dealing with my eating disorder and dealing with my mind. I'm and all or nothing girl (which I'm learning to let go and know it doesn't have to be this way) but when I'm struggling with my thoughts then my eating gets bad or vis versa. All of it goes together, and is linked somehow, what really helped me was admitting I had a problem and telling people I know would support me no matter what, because once I did I felt this huge burden fly right off my chest, no more hiding behind a wall, no more having to make up excuses or lie about why I couldn't come out or why I wasn't eating what everyone else is. Telling someone is so extremely important because 1, you will feel so much better and 2, you're eating disorder wants you to feel alone it loves controlling you! it's all about opposite action. Another thing I learned was that you need to do things that make you feel uncomfortable, because frankly everything will make you feel uncomfortable and if you don't do them how do you know you'll be okay. This is what really helped me with recovery because I needed to see and know that I was going to be okay but how could I? if I didn't do the things that made me afraid, I can't just expect to one day magically get over them, no I had to push myself to do them. It was tough but it's what started to make me feel more alive and happier than ever! The fear will be there but little by little, challenge by challenge it will go away! You got this I am routing for you!