-Comparing-

^ My Uncle Daren and I at my High school graduation party. I went in with a mindset that I am going to let go and enjoy every single food because this only happens one time. I thought if everyone else can, I can. The difference between me and them is that I'm not at that stage in life where I can completely let go, and no matter how badly I wanted to, it takes one step at a time, eventually there will be a day but right now I am on this level soon I will be on the next, I just need to keep pushing and fighting!

“Focus on yourself, don't get lost in other people"

-REDSOLEANDREDWINE

With the world today, it is so easy to get lost in everyone else opinions, everyone else's successes. Social media influences our minds planting a seed that grows and grows with every new post or word that comes from that really pretty girl on Instagram with an amazing body, who looks the way she is because she "eats this" "works out like that" Our brains are so fragile, taking in information wherever we go, even when we don't realize it. Then it tells us what we want, what will make us feel good, it Un-aligns every part of our body. We listen to this information and soon it becomes all we can focus about because we want to look like her (she is so happy, I want to be happy) She has followers, she gets attention. In this next post I am here to tell you why you are so uniquely beautiful just the way you are and don't need to change for anyone.

Comparing

Comparing, ugh something we all struggle with I know I do. It sucks it really does, our minds compare us to strangers, to friends, to family members. When we are insecure and looking for a way to feel better, we search for it because we don't want to be in this fragile state. We are vulnerable and will do anything we can to feel better about ourselves. We see other people's successes and think that since they are happy, we will be happy too. So, we set out to do so, maybe its losing weight, maybe it's changing our hair color or getting a new closet. Whatever it may be most of the time these things that we do, come out of insecure about ourselves (and no I'm not saying that this is every occasion but think next time why you want to change something about yourself, what is the true reason?) The problem lies when 1. we are trying to change something about ourselves to feel better when changing the outside isn't even the problem (and yea it will feel really good for a bit) but what happens when that feeling comes back? we didn't find the true problem and fix it, a never-ending viscous Cyle of feeling bad, then good, and bad again. 2. We are comparing what makes someone else happy to our own happiness. Everyone is different, we all need different things in life, and we all want different things out of life. Don't go thinking that because this person felt really good losing weight that it will have the same effect on you. Once you do that you are setting expectations for yourself, and when you lose that weight, it doesn't make you feel the way you thought. So now you are here 10lbs lighter "supposed to feel the best you ever have" but your back at square one sad about yourself. Comparing ourselves does nothing but destroy us even more. We are all meant to be different, we are all on different paths and journeys in our life. Sure, you may be upset, frustrated or sad where you are right now but instead of changing something about yourself, find the root problem, are you sad because of something at work, school, did you hear something that made you feel this way. Find the seed instead of placing a band-aid over it. Our brain goes into panic mode and wants to change immediately. I'm here to tell you that you are beautiful and worthy no matter what, I know it sounds cheesy and you have problem heard it a million times, but it's true until you start believing it nothing will change. Our minds are so powerful, they feed us so many lies and make us think we need certain things to feel good. You have to believe that you are perfect in any part of life, because you are. Think about it we look at ourselves and say we are fat, ugly, stupid, that no one likes us, and guess what we believe that, why? because we trained our minds to think that we engrained it in our brains. What will happen when you start telling yourself "I'm beautiful, my body looks amazing in any size, I am strong and independent" you will literally start to feel the change, life will seem so much happier when you don't have a voice in your head trying shut down every thought you have. Change our minds change our life! Our bodies are changing constantly that is a part of life, know that you will change but don't let it scare you. Change is good thing; it means we are growing, learning, getting stronger, wiser. Your growth looks different then my growth so don't let that stop you from driving down a different path then mine. We all have a purpose, and you will find it, I 100% believe that. So, stop trying to drive down someone else path and stay in your own lane! It will not be easy but trust me when I say this when you start living for yourself and stop living for someone else your life will become 10 times more enjoyable.

Eating Disorders love to compare.

Like I said above, I struggled with comparing myself too literally everyone around me. I would compare what I was eating to babies' literal toddlers, (that's how controlling our minds our) Or to what everyone around me was eating. "I can't finish that because they aren't" "what are they getting, I should get the same" I lost all signals of my body telling me what I wanted to eat, what it wanted to be nourished with. I saw all food as good or bad, when in reality food is only bad if you think it is. Yes, there are different nutritional values to food, and we should pay attention to that, how the food we eat will nourish our bodies, give us the energy it needs to preform our daily activities. But no food is good/bad. I got to the point where I was never happy ever. The negativity just sat in my mind and brain all day long that, I didn't even try and have my own ideas because I knew they were never the right ones. I relied on everyone around me to tell me what was right and what was wrong. I broke myself down day by day feeling unworthy, ugly, weak (all the things that you can think of). I looked at myself in the mirror one day and thought I was so ugly and fat I needed to restrict my food and workout, then the next I was so disgusted at how thin and sickly I looked. It was a constant battle thinking one thing then all the sudden my mind would contradict itself. I put my own beauty onto everyone else and that is unfair to not only me but my friends and anyone who I compared myself to. I would get so annoyed when they were looking good because I wish I looked that good. I envied their confidence; I envied the attention they would get. I wanted to for myself, every time we would go out all I could think about was how ugly I looked and how everyone there was so much prettier than I was. (How miserable does that sound) I would question every word I was saying thinking I sounded stupid, "no one would think I was funny enough" "everyone was judging how thin and skinny I looked". The reality is that I judged myself more than anyone I was around, that's what our minds do. I would get so nervous to hang out with friends, because I had this image of myself and who I was before my eating disorder. I was outgoing, happy constantly happy, enjoying the little moments. During my eating disorder I isolated myself, stayed home, hid from any joy in life feeling unworthy. that I didn't deserve it. I was afraid no one would like the new person I was becoming. That's what was happening I was growing and evolving as a person, I compared myself to the old me a lot. The much more innocent, carefree one. Although I miss my old self, I know the new person I am becoming will be just as happy and more. It is okay to grow out of old habits, friendships, relationships whatever it may be. I know that it's a scary concept "growth" but that's life, we change and learn, we go through experiences that make us who we are today. I know that the person I am becoming is stronger, more confident, independent and brave. I am happy with myself, happy with the way life is taking me. Sometimes we need to go through the toughest storms in order to find the gold at the end. My happiness is not determined by some person I see on Instagram living the best life they are. My happiness comes from my OWN desire, wants, my dreams. We all have the ability to decide what we want out of this beautiful life; it all starts with you! so don't be afraid to take that leap and know there will be struggles, challenges, defeats but if you want something so bad you will get it! It all comes down to how you talk to yourself, what you believe you are capable of and knowing what you want is already yours!