Life with an Eating Disorder

^ Me and my Best Friend Lillee on our way to Prom. (I had just eaten out at a restaurant with all my friends and didn't feel guilty at all!) this was a major win in my book.

-Make sure celebrate every win that you have, big/small it does not matter! constantly encouraging yourself and talking kind to yourself is so extremely important, even if you feel nothing eventually the mind will take notes and you will feel what you are saying! Be proud of yourself because everyone else is!!

First signs

My eating disorder was very innocent, I honestly had no clue what I was doing to my body and the harm it was causing. It started about 2 years ago in December of 2019 (basically January 2020) it was around Christmas time when I finally decided that I wanted to lose weight. A little about me I have always thought I was overweight, but I never actually did anything about it, until one day I decide it was my New Year's resolution and I was going to stick with it. Backstory I struggled with anxiety pretty bad in 7th grade but summer going into 8th it went away and I didn't experience it again up until these next months after I started changing. Of course, I did the typical search on google "how to lose weight" it brought me to a lot of pages telling me how many calories I should be eating, how I should exercise what foods are good and what are bad. All these sites came into my innocent mind and destroyed it. I had never thought about calories before this new change. I decided to hop onto Facebook Market place and search for treadmills, I found one for $40 and 3 days later my dad and I were on our way to pick it up. Sadly, what I thought was something good for me quickly turned into an obsession. I decided that carbs were bad, so I tried to limit them as much as I could. After a couple months and no progress, I was so desperate to see results I kept lowering my calories, lower and lower trying to eat as little as possible. My relationship with exercise was horrible, I eventually got to the point where I was running 6 miles every day and doing AB workouts on top of it. I had to run every day even if that meant running in the middle of the night, I had to get it done. This interfered with my everyday life, I stopped hanging with friends because I couldn't eat the food they were eating, or I had to work out that day so I couldn't go to the lake because how was I going to exercise? I got into such a dark place where I would feel bad when I wasn't being invited to things with my friends I would sit in bed crying, but when they would ask me to hang, I would say no. It was a never-ending vicious cycle that always ended in me feeling bad about myself and crying. The first moment I knew it was really bad was my junior year of volleyball I had made the JV team again at this point I was so low in weight I could barely play and hit the ball I was weak. It was our first game In Holmen and my mom made the drive to see me. After the game was over, she came up to me and had been clearly crying, I knew what she was crying about (my body) she said "we need to fix this, I don't want to lose you" that is what broke me, those words and her face was what made me realize things need to change. On the bus ride home, I just cried I couldn't help but cry and think that I might die, it was such a scary place. Fast forward a little more we decided that therapy would be the best thing for me because as much as I thought I could handle this myself I couldn't. I had no idea how much eating disorders affected you mentally, I thought it was just a physical disease, you know like what we are taught in 7th grade health class. My parents had no idea the depths of what eating disorders truly are and no fault to them at all, we are not taught the proper education. Eating disorders have the biggest death toll in mental illnesses. How are we not taught about the serious affects they have on someone's mind that takes over their whole life, because it really does. I was put on bed rest, I had to stop playing my favorite sport, I stopped hanging with friends, I stopped enjoying meals with my family/friends. I lost the connection with my body telling me when I'm hungry and shifted every energy in my body. Eating disorders are not glamorous and they are not a choice, they slowly and slowly take over your whole mind until you cannot make a decision for yourself anymore and lose your identity. I constantly am questioning every decision I am making my mind tells me "You don't need that" but then says "you're a failure if you don't eat that, do you want to give into your ED?" it's a game back and forth, back and forth until I can't take it anymore I close my mind and I feel numb to the world, blank as if I'm going through the motions but I don't feel anything.

Losing my Period

One of the scariest things I am going though (yes, it's current) I have lost my period it has been 2 years since my last period. You may be thinking wow you are so lucky you don't have to worry about getting your period, dealing with cramps, headaches, all the stuff that comes with it. No, I'd rather suffer the worst cramps then be left without a period. Losing your period due to an ED means that your body is in starvation mode and is trying to keep you alive in any way possible, its saying hormones are the last of our worries we need to use these functions to keep you alive, which is a very scary thing. I want children someday, I want to raise a family, not having my period can take the opportunity away from me. It's hard going every day knowing that each day you're getting closer and closer to potentially not having children because of a stupid decision you thought would make yourself happy by losing weight. It's not worth it, none of it is. I'll go back to it's not easy because if it was, I would not be so far into the situation as I am, but day by day I have the choice to fight or go the easy route and give in. No number on the scale is worth losing my life or taking away my ability to have a family. That is what I choose, I choose my life, my future. Be patient it takes time, know it will be hard because you have to give up things in order to make room for new things.

-Reduce your exercise, your body needs to heal

-Eating a high content of healthy fats

-Eating a high content of good carbs

-Take supplements (please talk to a trusted physician, that maybe a chiropractor, doctor, therapist, anyone who has the correct knowledge)

-Flaxseed oil is very good fat and fiber content

-Reduce stress, (my mother has always told me stress kills, it's not worth putting your body through such stressful situations, you have the ability to change and decide whatever you want in life)

-Listen to body

After affects

So, what I didn't realize was what happens to my body during the recovery process. Here I am in 2020 doing something I thought was completely fine for my body (me with my determination and high expectations) did not help my cause. Besides being underweight and losing my period I had no other affects during this time. Fastforward to current times in 2022 my body is going through hell; I cannot eat food without my stomach being in pain. It's either so painful I can't walk or stand, or I feel like I'm on the verge of throwing up. I am bloated no matter what I eat, my fingers turn yellow, I'm freezing all the time, I have low energy and have a hard time sleeping at night. I am taking Lord knows how many supplements, my immune system is shot. Every part of my body has somehow shifted due to the lack of nutrients that I was giving it, obviously my metabolism is messed up, my liver, kidney, gallbladder, adrenal glands are weak and dehydrated. The functions in my body may not be the same as they once were, just because of a silly little idea that I thought would make me happy. See these are just the physical struggles, I can handle these okay it's the mental aspect that takes me over the edge. I can't sit in a room that's quiet because my mind and thoughts run wild to the point where I just start crying most of the time, I don't even know what's going on because I'm trying to detach from them. I am usually surprised when I start crying. When I'm not busy all I can think about is when my next meal is going to be or what I am going to eat next. During my senior year of high school, I fell so far behind in class because I couldn't pay attention I had brain fog, and couldn't focus to save my life, no matter how hard I tired I wasn't taking in any information. So of course, I beat myself up about that. One thing to note is that eating disorders usually stem out a lack of control, you feel out of control in one part of your life, so you use food because you can control that. When I'm in a stressful situation and my mind starts going, it won't even be related to food but somehow it always ends on food. Now I'm not trying to scare you with this, I am just telling my story, every person is different, everybody is different we may experience the same things we may not! not one person has a "worse eating disorder" then another! please do not compare because trust me I know how much eating disorders love to compare. I'm writing this to one educate people and help you and or a loved one! know you are going to get out of this. This storm will pass and there is a rainbow with a pot of gold waiting for you! please reach out jaidalarson@outlook.com because I want to help, I want to be here for you! this is my calling my passion I want to be there for you<3